Purple is the Noblest Shroud

To move forward, we must first look back ... to the early days of T&J's being crowned empress and emperor, where a confluence of unfortunate policies — plus, a flawed hanging — cause the couple to come scarily close to losing everything. Thankfully, generally speaking, they have just the crew on-hand to turn things around. 

Transcript

Episode 7: Purple is the Noblest Shroud

Welcome back everyone! And it is so, so good to be back. Thank you for your patience these past few months. I took a beautiful, month-long, very necessary break in January to Australia. And then once I got back to Berlin and I started writing, the episodes evolved and expanded into two-parters and bonus episodes and addenda, which also just takes more effort and time. On top of my other job. But at long last, friends, we are finally here! And I cannot wait to present this second half of the series to you.  

My first big announcement is that the series is going monthly. I was way too ambitious thinking I could turn episodes around every two weeks, and then I got unreliable, which I hate. For me, the objective is to have fun with this project and not make myself too miserable. So, from this point forward, barring any extreme circumstances, all new T&J episodes — and that includes bonus interviews — will drop on the third Thursday of every month. For all of you orthodox Beetists out there, who celebrate. And then, tell all of your friends! 

I mean it! Spread the word and leave a nice note in the review section wherever you’re getting your podcasts. I know we hosts say it all the time, but as a teeny, indie endeavor it really helps people find the show. You can also, for the price of a cup of coffee become an Apple Podcast subscriber or follow and donate on Patreon – that’s patreon.com/tandjpodcast.  

One other reminder, since it’s been a while: You can listen to episodes multiple times! I even recommend going back and doing a refresh on episodes 1 through 4 just to be sure you’re caught up on all the characters and the drama. And if you had to pick one episode to listen to in order to really get you back up to speed, that’d be Barbarian Makeover Part 2. Like a chilled glass of Zinfandel paired with a Reese’s peanut butter cup, the two go perfectly together IMHO.   

Last, but not least, a quick content warning: There is swearing along with descriptions of violence, murder, and sexual assault. I recommend adults screen it for younger listeners first. Please take care of yourselves. 

Intro 

Theodora — the T in our T&J — is probably the very first woman ever in history to be recorded as having … resting bitch face. Here's Procopius. 

Procopius: Her glance was always intense and made with contracted brows.

Now, to borrow the words of Byzantine scholar Dame Averil Cameron, Procopius was “a misogynist.” And as such, my urge to dismiss his resting bitch face note as biased, exaggerated nonsense was strong. But to do that, I would have had to ignore the evidence … plastered on a wall inside of a cathedral that I had seen with my very own eyes. 

Christine, NAT: So much more green and  turquoise, teal than I was expecting. It’s like being in a jewel box or a fabergé egg. It’s a mosaic wonderland. And I love it.
 
The cathedral of San Vitale in Ravenna, Italy is famous for one reason and one reason alone. It contains the only surviving images that we have of Theodora — and Justinian.

Procopius: His face was round yet not uncomely; for his complexion remained ruddy even after two days of fasting.

Who exactly was responsible for the mosaics remains a bit of a mystery, although it is widely accepted that Procopius’ boss, the General Belisarius and Belisarius’ wife-slash-Theodora’s pal, Antonina, were involved. And it is they who are portrayed, first-in-line, in T&J’s respective retinues. 

Completed sometime in the 540s AD, the timing of the Ravenna mosaics aligns very closely with the couple’s two military furloughs in the Gothic capital. The first in the year 540 and then again in 544. 

Why Belisarius and Antonina were in Ravenna … not once, but twice, is because Justinian’s plan to retake Italy … was not going super well.

Now, I will explore Belisarius and Antonina’s Italian campaigns in subsequent episodes, but what I want to point out here is: that of all the imperial mosaic panels in all the Roman empire, the only ones that made it to us today are the ones in which Belisarius and Antonina probably had a say in how T&J’s likenesses were rendered.

The resting bitch face and the rosacia Procopius takes care to note in the Secret History are also represented in the Ravenna mosaics. 

All I can say is, that, like every passport photo I’ve ever taken, the images were accurate, but they sure could have been nicer. 

To understand why Belisarius and Antonina may have been feeling a li’l chilly toward their bosses by the 540s, but equally as important …  to understand why they were both still around at all … is going to require a bit of rewinding. 

Two decades’ worth, in fact. 

To before the Gothic War kicked off in 540. And even before the Vandalic War back in 533 … 

All the way back to 527 AD, when Justinian had been crowned emperor, which meant that he was now able to fast track his favorites — and he did! 

Belisarius’s career? Skyrocketed. He goes from being one of Justinian’s personal guardsmen to being appointed the Master of Soldiers of the East. A position that put Belisarius in charge of protecting Rome against Persia, but also, put Procopius squarely into this narrative — being hired on as Belisarius’ legal secretary.

I have never been Emperor, but I am no stranger to new jobs. 

And with any new job, you are going to make mistakes! You are also going to have people who want to destroy you! But the one thing you really don’t want, in the midst of those challenges, are for your errors to galvanize the idle fury of your population, such that their insurrection against you, gets its own special name. In Justinian’s case, his riots were called Nika, or ‘Conquer’ in Greek. 

Which, according to historian Peter Sarris: 

'Were not the first outbreak of mass violence on the streets of Constantinople, nor would they be the last. In terms of scale, duration, and sheer destructiveness, however, the ‘Nika Riots’  were unprecedented.'

So WDJD? What did Justinian do to piss off a preponderance of Constantinopolitans? Such that T&J found themselves on the brink of losing everything? And how did they turn it around? Or perhaps the better question is not how, but who. Who helped them? And what were the consequences?  

I’m Christine Laskowski and this is T&J, a limited series podcast devoted to sixth century Byzantium and the greatest recorded love story on earth – that between Empress Theodora and her husband, the Emperor Justinian. This is episode 7: ‘Purple is the Noblest Shroud.’

Part I. Rock ‘n Roll Empire

Like an ethereal, contrapuntal montage in a Sofia Coppola film … 

T&J’s approach to their brave new world in 527 was decadent and outrageous and in that sense, very rock ‘n roll. The two were clearly reveling in their tippy-top spots as empress and emperor; Theodora, in particular.

The historian James Allan Evans put it this way:

"For the first time in her life, Theodora had more than enough money. She acquired a fortune."

Overnight, Theodora had estates in Pontus, Paphlagonia, and Cappadocia, all administered by her very own business manager. 

She also upgraded her wardrobe. Goodbye linen and wool. Hello, silk! And Tyrian purple.

Tyrian, not as in Lannister, but as in Tyre — the Phoenician city in what is today Lebanon. Tyre is the place where the ancient technique for harvesting this purple dye comes from, which even through the T&J era, involved a fuck ton of enslaved labor … Because the process of extracting this purple pigment from the glands of thousands upon thousands of these itty bitty Murex sea snails was both pain-staking and extremely time-consuming work. 

And while that kinda begins to explain the price, which was equal to its weight in precious metals. It’s also … purple? But. Tyrian purple evidently had this magical quality of intensifying in color and luster …  the more you wore it. 

Our girl Theodora could also now wear jewels everyday! And pamper herself with sumptuous meals, long baths, and frequent naps. And she did! She also liked to go on vacation with these obscenely large entourages — to relax in hot springs with luxurious spas, like the one at Pythia.

It’s probably no surprise, then, that these lavish and highly-publicized excursions of Theodora’s are offered up by Procopius as proof of her profligacy.  

Procopius: And she lived the greatest part of the year in the suburbs on the seashore, and particularly in the place called Herion, and consequently a large retinue of attendants were grievously afflicted. For they had a scant supply of provisions and they were exposed to the dangers of the sea, particularly when a storm came down, as often happened, or when the whale made a descent somewhere in the neighborhood.

If you’re wondering, what’s up with this whale? Don’t worry, we’ll tackle the whale later.

One thing to know about Theodora’s summer home in Herion, is that it was also the location of a very relevant customs house. One that Justinian had established early on in his tenure. Procopius notes, albeit many Secret History pages later, that salaried officials there made sure every possible tax and tariff was levied on the goods passing through. 

It was the sort of inventive revenue stream that had John the Cappadocian’s name written all over it. 

I first introduced John the Cappadoccian a.k.a. Justinian’s finance minister, back in ‘Barbarian Makeover Part 2’ per his lethal, cost-saving measures ahead of the Vandalic War. Ovens? Who needs ovens?

But that is not all that he did.

John the Cappadoccian hired tax collectors with scary nicknames like Alexander the Scissors and  ‘Leaden Jowls.’ He even shut down the popular imperial post system in certain regions to cut back on government spending. 

He was so good at finding new revenue streams that his manner of extracting money for the state was described by one T&J era historian as a ‘suction-pump.’ 

But so long as he could procure the funds Justinian needed to cement his legacy as a builder and a restorer, John the Cappadocian had job security. Even if everyone hated his guts. Which they did.

His being categorically despised — and by Theodora, in particular — will play out in a big way both in this and a subsequent episode.

What I want to focus on now is not talent, but toughness. Justinian needed people, like his finance minister and like his wife, that could take the heat.   

Stalwart partners in a ploy that allowed him to go, 'I … don’t why they’re like this. Look at me, I’m a good guy!'

Because … while I’m sure she did enjoy them. These trips to the spa and to her seaside summer home — you only have to look a little bit closer to see that they were cleverly devised to obfuscate, as rage bait, her enacting her husband’s agenda.

Which was, for all intents and purposes, their agenda.  

Part II. Empress Bossypants

One of the major themes, or grievances, of Procopius’ in the Secret History is that T&J did not respect the old ways. What’s more, they seemed to deeply relish undermining them.

For example, before T&J ascended the throne, when senators entered the imperial presence, the highest-ranked patricians would touch the emperor’s right breast with their lips, and the emperor would respond by kissing their heads before sending them on their way. 

But after, all senators, whatever their rank, had to get down on their hands and knees and kiss the insteps of not only Justinian’s feet, but Theodora’s as well.

And side note: No courtesy, let alone one this obsequious, had been required of Roman men toward their empress. Ever.

Before T&J ascended the throne, the empress and emperor were formally addressed as Basilis and Basileus. But after? T&J decreed that they were henceforth to be called Despoinis and Despotes. Translation: Mistress and Master.   

This is all objectively B-A-N-A-N-A-S bananas. But, these outrageous measures accomplished precisely what they were supposed to. To rankle, the ranked. And they did.

Because once Theodora becomes Empress Theodora, or, Mistress Theodora, she wields humiliation as a weapon. Particularly against those very noblemen, who had once tried to humiliate her — and theatrical women like her — for a lifestyle they did not choose and could not really leave. Until now.   

Procopius offers several examples in the Secret History of Theodora taking these patrician men’s wealth and locking them away in her infamous oubliettes. 

And these stories are pretty good. But they are not my favorites. 

My favorites are the passages where Theodora’s revenge against men of high rank illuminates a core quality of hers that is rarely documented in historical women.

Theodora was fucking funny. 

Procopius: Indeed she also made it her business, whenever it seemed best to her, to change even the most serious matters to an occasion for buffoonery, as though she were on the stage in the theater.

While Theodora may be the first woman to have ever been recorded as having resting bitch face, she is also, perhaps not coincidentally, the very first woman to have ever been  recorded as going: ‘Yes, and.’

Bear with me a moment as I bring us to another pivotal year in the T&J podcast. 

2011 … It was the start of my otiose Boston era and when writer-comedian, Tina Fey, released her bestselling memoir, Bossypants. In it, Fey shares an anecdote about her new-at-the-time Saturday Night Live colleague, the improv comedy legend, Amy Poehler.

Right before the Wednesday night read through, Amy’s goofing around and doing something loud and vulgar. And co-star, Jimmy Fallon, is all like, ‘Ew. Stop it. It’s not cute. I don’t like it.’ 

And well:

Tina Fey: Amy dropped what she was doing, went black in the eyes for a second, and wheeled around on him. ‘I don't fucking care if you like it.’ Jimmy was visibly startled. Amy went right back to enjoying her ridiculous bit. With that exchange, a cosmic shift took place. Amy made it clear that she wasn't there to be cute. She wasn't there to play wives and girlfriends in the boys' scenes. She was there to do what she wanted to do, and she did not fucking care if you like it.

And with that in mind, here is a glimpse of 6th century Empress Theodora … at her Amy Poehler-est:

Procopius: On a certain occasion one of the patricians — whose name I shall no means mention, though I know it well — was unable to collect a debt from one of the Empress’ servants […] Theodora, learning of his purpose in advance, instructed the eunuchs that they should all stand about him in a circle. When the patrician entered the women’s quarters, he did his obeisance before her in the customary manner, and with a face that seemed stained with tears, said:

Patrician So-and-So: Mistress, it is a grievous thing for a man of patrician rank to be in need of money [...] Therefore, I entreat and supplicate and beg you to assist me in obtaining my rights and in escaping from my present ills.
 
Procopius: So he spoke. And Theodora replied, in sing-song:

Theodora: O, Patrician So-and-So!

Procopius: And the chorus of eunuchs, catching up the strain said responsively: 

Chorus of Eunuchs: It’s a large hernia you have! 

Procopius: And when the man again made supplication and uttered words resembling what he had said before, the woman replied again in the same strain and the chorus chanted the response, until the poor wretch in despair made his obeisance in the customary manner and departing thence went home.

If you’re wondering whether the ‘large hernia’ insult was a reference to something else that bulged, I am here to tell you, per a future bonus episode interview about sex and sexuality, that a hernia in those days was probably just a hernia. However, they could get very large and ergo, be a source of deep insecurity. 

In another example, Procopius tells us that Theodora had invited three close actress pals to move into the palace with her. Because if funny people need anything, it’s not water or air or food, it is other funny people close by! Two of those actress pals had the same popular Greek stage name: Chrysomallo, or ‘Blondie.’ Which, as a former platinum blonde myself, I think is so fun. 

As was her way, Theodora helped arrange an advantageous marriage between one of the Chrysomallo’s daughters and a man of high rank named Saturninus, who, soon enough, fucked around and found out, by openly slutshaming his new bride, complaining that she was not a virgin. 

Procopius: When this remark that he had married a girl who had been ‘tampered with’ was brought to Theodora, she commanded the servants to hoist Saturninus aloft, as one does children who go to school, because he was putting on airs and assuming a lofty dignity to which he had no right, and she gave him a drubbing on the back with many blows and told him not to be a foolish babbler.  

Part III. Generally Speaking

You act like a boy, you get treated like a boy. Because real men don’t slutshame! |

And two real men from the T&J-era, who reaped the benefits of their non-misogyny were our young — at least at the time — doppelganger generals: Belisarius and Sittas.

In 527, Belisarius marries Antonina and is rewarded, as I noted at the top of the episode, with this massive promotion as Master of Soldiers of the East. A position headquartered in the city of Antioch that was not vacant at the time.   

In fact, it had been filled for at least a decade by Hypatius. A real nephew of a real somebody.

Hypatius, you may recall, had been considered too far away at the time of Emperor Anastasius’ death to be made his successor, which means Hypatius loses out bigtime. Justinian’s Uncle Justin makes his move. And how. 

So, robbed of a crown and then robbed of his post as lead commander against Persia … the noble Hypatius returns home to the family manse … in Constantinople.

This will be important later.

Now, Justinian’s other newly-minted general, Sittas, marries Theodora’s older sister, the former starlet, Comito — and is very soon thereafter made Master of the Presence, which puts Sittas in charge of this hardscrabble little kingdom over in the northeast called … Armenia.

And Sittas, it turns out, was exceptionally good at his job. He was so good that, according to historian Robert Browning: 

'It was Sittas who began the Armenia diaspora. Without his insight into the character of their society, the Armenians would perhaps have remained confined to their upland valleys, and would not have played their conspicuous role in the life of Byzantium, of the Ottoman empire, and of the world at large.'

Armenia, at this juncture, was a buffer state, and had been since the late fourth century. Partitioned between Rome and its fashionable, frenemy neighbor next door, the Persians, control of Armenia, was a big responsibility!

But unlike Sittas, Belisarius’ own big job against the Persians directly … was one that kinda took him a while to get the hang of. 

You see, Belisarius does win this major victory against Persia at the frontier fortress city of Dara in 531. Only to-soon-thereafter be defeated in battle at Callinicum, which is today the city of Raqqa in northern Syria.

Belisarius’ Callinicum loss was apparently so embarrassing that Justinian fires him and …  summons him back to Constantinople.   

Undoubtedly the lesser general at this point, as he is an unemployed one, Belisarius is back in the capital, where his wife, Antonina, gives birth to the couple’s only child, a daughter named Joannina. A highlight of that period in his life, I’m sure.

Because the Persian conflict had continued on without him, and Justinian had given Belisarius’ old job to a Gepid prince named Mundus. And lucky for Mundus, things soon began winding down. Which is why, when Persia’s King Kavadh died and was succeeded by his son Khusro in late 531, peace with Persia seemed reasonably close at hand. 

So, Mundus … returns to Constantinople.

Generally, speaking, Belisarius, Hypatius, and Mundus are all in Constantinople in January of 532. Sittas … is  not there.

A geographical fact … that will absolutely alter the course of these men’s lives. 

Because there were other changes afoot in the capital. Ch-ch-ch–changes. 

Although first, we’re going to take a short break. 

What you’ll hear next is a 1922 song by The Kidoodlers titled ‘There’s a Blue Sky Way Out Yonder.’ 

Instrumental Break

Part IV. Gangs of Constantinople

The history of the circus factions of the Roman Empire covers over 1,200 years, but their absolute heyday was between the fifth and seventh centuries AD.

Back in Episode 1 ‘Bread and Circuses,’ I talked about how factions were not sports teams, per se. They were essentially these giant production companies centered around sports that made entertainment throughout the empire possible. 

And each faction was represented not by a mascot, but by a color.

By the time we reach the T&J era, the Blues and Greens were by far the most formidable. Which again, is not to imply that the Whites and Reds were irrelevant. 

Emperor Anastasius, for example, had been a loud and proud Reds’ fan. Which, like rooting for Buffalo or the White Sox, was adorable. Almost to the point of being neutral. And do you know who was neither adorable nor neutral when it came to supporting their favorite faction, the Blues? 

Byzantine historian Alan Cameron in his book Circus Factions  contextualized it this way:

'In more than three centuries or more of Byzantine emperors: […] Justinian is the only emperor alleged to have even tolerated, much less encouraged, the misdemeanors of his favorite color.'

Pliny the Younger: It amazes me that thousands and thousands of grown men should be like children, wanting to look at horses running and men standing on chariots over and over again. If it was the speed of the horses or the skill of the drivers that attracted them, there would be some sense in it — but in fact it is simply the color ... Such is the overpowering influence of a single worthless shirt.

What you just heard was an excerpt from a letter written by 1st century Roman author, Pliny the Younger, during a time when chariot racing and gladiatorial games were both popular fixtures of Roman faction entertainment. 

However, by the fourth century … when Emperor Constinine was founding his new, self-appellated Roman capital of Constantinople, did Constantine build a circus next to his brand new palace for gladiatorial games? No. No, he did not. Constantine built a hippodrome. For chariot racing.  

Gladiatorial games were out. And so, too, were two other venerable Greco-Roman traditions.

You see, beginning in the fourth century, the rise of chariot racing coincided with the demise of the gymnasium. And pagan festivals. RIP. 

Like Berlin, the city I currently call home, in Constantinople of the 6th century, to quote historian John Moorhead: 

'Not all the inhabitants of the city were gainfully employed.'

And also like Berlin … this had always sort of been the deal. Constantinople was a big, international city with poor but sexy parts simply too dynamic to resist! Until this problem that had long been a problem became impossible to ignore.

There are accounts of beggars sleeping under piles of rags between the columns of the porticoes. Churches opened soup kitchens to administer food.

Emperor Justinian, even with his own Thracian hick background, actually ramped up the laws intended to curtail inward migration.

For reasons that we cannot entirely know, but that we can certainly imagine, migrants, many of them young men exactly like Justinian’s Uncle Justin, kept coming; streaming in from the countryside in record numbers in search of a better life.

But due to the rigid class system and the practically impenetrable workers guilds … that better life was really hard to attain. 

Now, if you have ever been unemployed, as I have, being out of work can be super scary and also super alienating. Especially when you’re far away from family. 

So, you look for distractions, particularly distractions that are free. You also try to network. Seeking out spaces where you can mix and mingle with people that may help you to snag some income.

Without gyms and pagan festivals, what was available to these T&J era jobless, young men with too much time on their hands … had basically been whittled down to:

The circus factions or the church.

And one of those was way more fun. 

Part V. The Huns Were Fucking Cool (Justinian was Not)

It turns out there were teenagers. There were always teenagers.  |

And Boomers. And moral panics. 

Because circus faction fashion, as expressed by these idle young men from various class and regional backgrounds, was intentionally… not Roman. And like any counterculture worth its salt, this really freaked older people out.

Here is one of them:

Procopius: They did not touch the mustache or the beard at all, but they wished always to have the hair of these grow out very long, as the Persians do. The hair of their heads they cut off in front back to the temples, leaving the part behind to hang down to a very great length in a senseless fashion, just as the Massagettae do. Indeed, for this reason they used to call it the ‘Hunnic’ fashion.

It wasn’t just the Hunnic mullets that were cool; the factions had the clothes to match. Both of the finest quality and acquired via stolen funds, which also sounds super teenagery to me.

Procopius: The part of the tunic which covered the arms was gathered by them very closely about the wrist, while from there to each shoulder it billowed out to an incredible breadth. And as often as their arms were waved about … this part of their garments would actually soar aloft, causing the foolish to suppose that their bodies must be so fine and sturdy that they must needs be covered by such garments … Also, their cloaks and their drawers and especially their shoes, as regards both name and fashion, were classed as ‘Hunnic.’

Hunnic shoes and underwear … tough to know what those looked like, but the pirate-looking muscle shirts?! Oh, yes. And what a sight. Also, what a contrast compared to the clean-shaven, orderly, tunic ‘n chlamys-wearing generation. The rebellion is so overt it is crystal: The Persians were cool; the Huns were even cooler. Rome’s mortal enemies!

Back in Episode One, I presented the reasons why Theodora had been a die-hard Blues fan since childhood. But in a move I find surprising, given the couple’s inclination to play good cop-bad cop when it came to Monophysite and Chalcedonian religious divides, among other things, both she and Justinian were uncharacteristically, very publicly aligned when it came to their support of their favorite faction. 

It was an alliance that had worked really well for them. Had Theodora not sought out the Blues upon her arrival in Antioch and been recruited into Justinian’s spy network there, they may have never met and fallen in love. And become the subjects of a really dope podcast.

Which is another way of pointing out that long before he and his wife got together, Justinian, had been courting the Blues in an advantageous quid pro quo. Both at court — and on the streets — to accrue political power. 

And once he had amassed it, Justinian used that power to get Blues members off the hook — innocent or not — for crimes. Not only did this embolden them against their rivals, the Greens, the Greens’ only recourse now was to take the law into their own hands.

As you may have already pieced together, once Justinian became Emperor Justinian, or Master Justinian, his relationship to the Blues had become a huge political liability. And while he tried to distance himself and reverse course. It was too little too late. 

To hear Procopius tell it, the situation got pretty A Clockwork Orange pretty quickly. 

He writes about the muggings and the extortion and the rape.  There’s even this vivid story about a noblewoman, who takes her own life by jumping into the Bosporus, rather than risk being assaulted by a faction gang. 

Procopius: And it is said that one woman, dressed in elegant fashion, was crossing with her husband to some suburb on the opposite mainland; and in the course of this crossing they were met by some of the Factionists, who tore her from her husband with a threat and placed her in their own boat. And as she entered the boat with the young men, she stealthily urged her husband to be of good courage and to fear no harm for her. For she said she would not suffer any outrage to her person. And even while her husband looked upon her in great sorrow, she threw herself into the sea and straightaway vanished from among men.

That is terrible, but what it also reveals is how much a woman’s purity was worth to Procopius and men of his ilk.

Which brings me to my next point: my own skepticism. Procopius was a middle-aged, upper-middle class, conservative man. A legacy demographic, we know, with a strong tendency to sensationalize crime and immigration and to bleat about the good old days.

Still, it tells us that powerful, patrician men were rattled by this perceived uptick in faction-based crime.

And this, with Justinian, only four years into the job.

What we have at this juncture is a perfect storm of umbrage brewing against him. 

The nobility was pissed, the Green faction was pissed, and now, so, too, were the Blues who he’d abandoned, along with anyone feeling the pain of John the Cappadocian’s aggressive taxation measures, which was a lot of people. You also had gangs of young men with no constructive outlet, roaming around, terrorizing the city. 

But the catalyst, the event that would set the Nika riots into motion and cause everything to boil over, was actually something straight out of a Western: a hanging. But before we get to that. We had first better talk about … the Ides. 

Part VI.  The Ides!

In antiquity, the Ides were the midpoint of any given month. The 15th for the months of March, May, July, and October. But the 13th for the rest. 

And it was on the Ides of January, that is Tuesday, January 13th 532 that a whole new series of races was set to debut in the Hippodrome. And per Roman tradition, Justinian was to preside over them from his imperial VIP box known as the kathisma. Which had a special corridor that connected it directly to the palace. 

For the previous 500 years, or from Emperor Augustus onward, there was an awareness that the games were not just games; they were a crucial safety valve.

Depending on how their favorite faction was performing that day .... Crowds could vent. Let off some serious citizen steam.   

They could also make requests of their emperor. About a tax, or a grain shortage, or a minister  … And the established etiquette was not that the emperor necessarily had to grant the crowd’s wishes. But the emperor was expected …  to at least … reply. 

This … this is not what happened on the Ides of January in 532.

Three days prior to the Ides, several members of the Blue and the Green factions were arrested on murder charges and sentenced to death by hanging. Two of these men  — one Green and one Blue — survived because the scaffold broke. The pair scampered off and found sanctuary in a nearby church. But both factions wanted their guy pardoned.

So, from their special sections positioned directly across from the kathisma on the Ides of January 532 … the Blues and the Greens joined forces and they were like, ‘Justinian. C’mon, dude. You can’t ignore an act of God. Free our guys!’

And the J in our T&J was like … nothing. As in, crickets. He ignored their chanting. Not through one race, not through two races. But through all 22 races that day.  

And the Hippodrome crowds? They noticed this herb behavior. So much so, that by the time they left, they’d come up with a cool new code word. And that code word was ‘Nika,’ or ‘Conquer.’ As in let’s Nika our asshole emperor, who thinks he can ignore us.

Thus, with victory in their hearts and spite on their minds, they promptly made their way to the offices of the urban prefect and set it on fire. 

That … was Tuesday.

In the week that followed, the mob’s demands, their acts of arson, and their ploys at getting Emperor Anastasius’ noble male relatives — like the general Hypatius — to take the throne would only continue to escalate. And like a toddler in urgent need of a nap, nothing Justinian did — including sacking John the Cappadocian — could mollify them.

Once rumors began circulating that the Green Faction was ready to storm the palace with Hypatius, their preferred emperor, in tow, things got really real.

And in this hour of darkness, in his time of need, Justinian gathers what’s left of his people. And mind you, by the standards of the day, this was far from an A-Team. 

There were the Generals Belisarius and Mundus. The former having been fired per his fuck up on the Persian front. There also was Justinian’s Grand Chamberlain, a eunuch named Narses, and, of course, Theodora. A woman and former sex worker. 

Justinian is like, ‘Guys, I’ve put all of my money on a ship bound for Thrace. We’re leaving.’

The men are all apparently like, ‘Yeah, makes sense.’

Theodora, on the other hand, cannot comprehend this whimpery! And in a flash of rhetorical panache, summarily changes the course of Byzantine history by saying something that closely corresponds to the following, per Procopius’ account in Wars:

Theodora: I hope I never have the imperial purple stripped from me nor live to the day when people I meet fail to address me as empress! So, if what you want is to save yourself, O Emperor, it’s no problem. We have plenty of money; over there is the sea, and here are the boats. Yet, ask yourself if the time will come, once you are safe, when you would gladly give up security for death. As for me, there is an ancient maxim I hold true, that says kingship makes a good burial shroud.

Hearing his wife declare publicly that she was only ever going to die a queen, Justinian, likely more than a little bit aroused, decides to stay and battle it out. Or rather, send Narses, Mundus and Belisarius to battle it out … in a three-pronged approach.

Narses, in what was standard procedure for palace eunuchs, is put in charge of doling out the bribes. But going radically against type, he also leads this group of men — as a general.  Narses goes out first, gaining crucial support, as well as ground. Soon, they are joined by Mundus and his soldiers. And while those two push through the Hippodrome’s front entrance, Belisarius and his guys then take up the war cry, charging with their swords from the side, near where Hypatius had already been seated … Gasp! in the kathisma.

Procopius writes in Wars that over the course of that Sunday, more than 30,000 rioters were slaughtered in Narses, Mundus and Belisarius' three-pronged counterattack. A different historian of the era, John the Lydian, puts that number much higher at 50,000. 

Even if, according to historian Alan Cameron:

'We may be sure that most of them were trampled to death in the press rather than cut down in direct fighting.'

It was … an absolute massacre. 

The following day, a Monday, both Hypatius and his brother, Pompey, were executed and their bodies dumped into the sea.

While the two were eventually granted posthumous pardons, Justinian went hard on Hypatius’ cenotaph. 

Justinian: I am the tomb of Hypatius; but small as I am, I make no claim to cover the body of so great a champion of the Romans. The earth blushed to bury the mighty man beneath a paltry tombstone, and preferred to entrust him to the keeping of the deep.

But, John the Cappadocian and Belisarius did both got their old jobs back …

And so, and in short:

Procopius: This was the end of the insurrection in Byzantium.

Generally speaking, the careers of Narses, Mundus, and Belisarius post-Nika riots would be forever cemented, for better or for worse, as T&J’s ride-or-die. Narses, a eunuch, would go on to be one of the badassest generals in all of Byzantine history, maybe in all of Roman history. And Sittas? Well … sometimes you just have to be there. 

Ironically, Sittas would later be killed in Armenia trying to suppress a revolt triggered by more of Justinian’s administrative reforms. Chief among them? Changing the name of the Armenian capital to … Justinianopolis. 

Conclusion

Moving water in quantities sufficient enough to quell urban fires … was a problem that ancient technology never solved. Water was available in giant cisterns. There were also designated fire brigades. But the buckets and the wooden hand pumps that they had to transport it … was simply incapable of quieting a blaze of this magnitude.

During the week of the Nika Riots, the fires the mobs had started  — in administrative buildings and hospitals — those fires spread rapidly through the capital’s narrow lanes until there was nothing left for the flames to claim. Entire neighborhoods, landmark churches, were burnt to the ground. Gone.

But do you know what else was gone? Pesky patricians connected to Emperor Anastasius. Those involved in the Nika Riots were dead and those who were not, were laying very, very low.

But there was a woman, an older relative of Hypatius, who had already taken up the patrician mantle and set a revenge course in her own cleverly, gilded way. Who was she? And how did she come to influence the trajectory … of architecture? That’s next time. 

Outro/Wrap

Research, scripting, narration, and editing for this episode were all done by me, Christine Laskowski.

Scoring and musical arrangements for T&J were also written and performed by me in collaboration with the iconoclastic Jack Butler. The T&J logo was designed by Meredith Montgomery. 

Procopius of Caesarea was voiced by Michael de la Bedoyere, Tina Fey by Melissa Chan, the Patrician by Chris Berube. The Empress Theodora was voiced by Laurel Kratochvila, Pliny the Younger by Neil Paine, and the Emperor Justinian by Oliver Sachgau.

Additional sources for this episode are available in the show notes. 

Now, enjoy the outro because I wrote it just for you.   

This Purple Shroud
Unbelievable
Leave it to men to cry about it
If I must, I’ll swing and shout it
Alone
I understand we are surrounded
by both Blues and Greens
we're hounded
O, the tumult
from inside the Hippodrome
But, please, hear me out
I’ve literally just moved to the palace
Free to exercise my malice
Toward the very men
who once made my life hell
I know them well

This purple shroud is mine to lose
But dear, it’s also
The color of a bruise

Now, who have we got?
A Gepid prince, plus Belisarius
Good thing Narses is an Aquarius
Between the fighting and bribing
we might survive
To leave behind my Chrysomallos
would be a pill to hard to swallow
What of my bobbles, my crown,
all of my girls?
Ping pong-sized pearls!

This purple shroud is mine to lose
But dear, it’s also
The color of a bruise

Nika, Nika, Nika …
This purple shroud is mine to lose
But dear, it’s also
The color
I’ll wear no other
It’s also the color of a bruise